Becoming Badass

My initial reaction wasn’t to sprint off screaming into the night because as a student of zombie movies I knew I needed to conserve some energy. I took a moment to look around and re-center, drawing up plans based on what I should do in case of zombie infestation.

I had a good deal of knowledge from movies, video games, TV shows, and ‘what if zombies attack?’ conversations which helped me quickly deduced that there was at least one type of zombie roaming around. I decided to call them Slow Walkers. You know the type (especially since I explained it to you in Chapter 4…)

Moves with a slow shuffle
Has a classic moan for a voice.
Only goes down after a serious blow to the central nervous system.
And is more or less cannibalistic, with a sommelier like appreciation for living human brains.

I never understood how the Slow Walker was such an overwhelming force other than its relentless shuffle step, and strength of its numbers. At this point I was almost happy there were only the slow ones, begging for me to pop off with a sniper rifle while yelling “BOOM Head-Shot!” If only I had known…

I looked around a picked up a good whacking stick, deciding on a few objectives as I went:

1 – Get some supplies
2 – Get to a book store
3 – Find a fortress and hole up

Pressing my mental TAB button, I recalled the layout of where I was in relation to my goals and quickly surmised I was about 10 minutes from a good mountain equipment store. I then began skulking through the forest feeling a little like a larper….I mean I’ve read books about being a ninja, I trained a bit, and I LOVE killing zombies. Now I actually get to combine these things together? Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt! Weeeeeeeeeeeee!

“mmmrrroooofffghlglghg”

The sweet symphony of Slow Walkers – a trio of the dumb lowbies in fact – came at me all arms-reaching-me-eat-you like.

With a burst of speed I began spinning clockwise left to right. As I came around I torqued my Zombo-Thacker and was rewarded with a splatter of gore as I caved in my first opponent’s noggin. Without missing a beat I continued turning, throwing a low round house to the second zombies’ leg, shattering its kneecap. I had no intention of stopping there. I continued my whirl and unleashed a jump spinning round house to the slowbie with such an impact that the whiplash caused its neck to snap.

Two spins, two down.

I was feeling pretty good until I had my first experience with Slow Walker ‘man strength’. What felt like the hand of a Dutch potatoe farmer clamped down on my left shoulder as I finished my flourish and began a slow, constant squeeze. NOW I know what all the fuss is about. It isn’t so much their strength in numbers as their strength in…well…strength.

Ouch. Lots of ouch.

Again with the calm clarity delivered from the practice mats of Master Kang’s Power Martial Arts I reached up and across toward clampy-mc-crush my arms vice grip.

I latched my hand over top of his, squeezing my fingers while at the same time pressing my thumb into the flesh below the knuckle of his index finger. Stepping back and turning a quarter turn to the right I brought my left arm up, using the outside of my forearm “Likah brade. U sag, ny-eef, anda cut” - ah the eloquence of Master Kang.

The nice thing about using your arm like a saw is that it forces your opponent to double over, and line their stupid zombie face up with my screaming knee of justice.

Keeeeeeeerrr SPLAT. Three down.


Whewf. I retrieved The Zombo Thwacker 5000 from the inside of my first opponents head, gave it a light chop to clean of the gore, and strode along on my merry way.

I’m gonna get me some serious gear soon, my MacGyver sense was tingling!